cigarettes & other realizations

i've had a blind hatred for cancer sticks for a while now. hating pretty much everything about them, for obvious reasons.. however, today my friends wanted me to be smoking in their movie, so i said fuck it sure. my last sober cig was like high school. it's crazy, i had no idea a single hit could make you feel that way. i had a few hits and was lightheaded and had to sit down haha. so i have a new found appreciation, rather- understanding, of smoking i guess. interesting cause this goes with my everyday struggle to be consistent with my ideals. i've realized recently that there are times where you just have to let things go and just BE. stop trying to be so perfect, nothing in life is black and white.

i had the most amazing weekend. i've been saying "best" about almost everything these days, i'm constantly surprised by how much possibility there is to this life of mine. how perspective shapes everything. how when you choose to see things whichever way, the world is a crazy and beautiful place. i love being appreciative and realizing how fortunate i am to be alive. i love that i am growing to see things in different lights these days, it makes life so much fun and exciting.

thankful to have such a crazy person like lamat in my life, she came home with me for the first time after four years of knowing each other. never in my life have i experienced the bay area like i had this past weekend with her around. all little things of course. the world is a freaking beautiful place and there is so much possibility waiting around any corner, even at the point of a single mistake big or small. this especially is important, cause i feel there is fortune in every misfortune.

my house in belmont was built in the 70's or 80's and the kitchen has remained the same all these years. we're finally getting around to remodel it, and upon hearing this lamat was really sad. she said it was perfect the way it was. i had never considered this.. i just thought, well my parents think time has come to update this ish, that's cool. what i had failed to realize was all the character my kitchen has taken on after all these years. the off lime/mustard green repetitive linoleum covered floors, the cracking wooden cabinets, the peeling thready off yellow wallpaper and the wood paneled wall behind the dinner table, which had been covered with our elementary school art projects.

i hope to never stop to take deep breaths and acknowledging the endless beauty and substance there is around me..