TODAY TODAY TODAAAAAAY

this being the only public journal i'm keeping anymore.. guess i'll just continue it.

picked up this book from the library that caught my eye today, obviously.. against happiness. pretty interesting concept, something i can understand, grasp, something more real. anyhow i haven't started but i'll update on it when i have. also watching this bleak indie film "dandelion" .. life is interesting. i much rather enjoy finding happiness in the subtleties, or maybe it's the way in which i grew up.

being at home is harder than i thought, harder than i prepared myself for. it's all under the surface but it's there for sure. i didn't really think i had a problem with clashing ideals with my parents but i really do. my dad casually called me a nonconformist the other day, and i've actually never thought of myself in that sense, but coming down to it all, it really is me in every way. i'm not content with what (i view as) larger society cares about. i don't and cannot subscribe to certain ideals and lifestyle. people say that you are a product of your parents, but honestly really, sometimes it's not.

comparing and contrasting myself with my mom is really scary. i really am my mom's daughter when it comes to issues and temperment and lack of communication skills. i'm pretty sure she is one of the most unhappy people i know, and thus reflected upon myself. i think she's too caught up with other people to realize certain things about herself, which i also realize is a problem many other people i know have. it's so freaking hard cause i love her and shit but it's like so hard to try to be her friend, we're probably the people we least like to each other, which is kinda funny actually.. but nonetheless the truth.. anyways it's not that bleak but it's there..

speaking of relationships and relations between people. funny how that works. funny how much better things are when you first figure out and then accept who you are and what you want. and even more importantly what you do not want. i want to surround myself with sick people. people who struggle. people who are self aware.. real people. not some bullshit false pretenses shit. i don't know where i was going with that.. as long as i'm not around people who talk big then proceed to treat others like shit and make excuses about it. not into it.

tonight i had a legit conversation about parental dynamics and the effect they have on us.. divorce vs "Staying together for the kids" bullshit.. rereading "new age classics" (i made that term up) and appreciating that shit. thinking of stuff as BEING. don't have to have all the answers. anti religion, no need for it in our lives. being. realizing how legit the ppl around you are, something you may have overlooked. every moment has to have some special significance. like i said before, meaningfully unmeaningful.. yet not putting shit on a pedestal. it ruins shit.

"i'm not putting you up on a pedestal, boo- i'm keeping you right beside me... that way, you won't be too far." - stacy devera

the most legit thing someone has said to me, the most legit idea&view on friendship.. on life. i'm gonna end this here, and with the thought that i fucking love ice water!!!! xicewaterx