control, i feel love.

read on if you please, please

Current music: deadmau5 all day

if you have twitter give me your url, i wanna follow you (if you know what i mean)

i love technology and the internet. i love twitter. i love it so much. i've always loved the idea of the facebook status. i always have these one liner blurbs in my head and have no where to put them. some things need to be short and sweet. i just know ppl on facebook get pissed when you update too much, which i already do.. so yeah. didn't want to spam everyone's newsfeed.

i downloaded google chrome and i fucking love it. simple and sweet. plus i don't have all my pack rat bookmarks to plague my life anymore. well, in time they shall all return. it's faster than firefox, so i'm down. i also see that lj updated their shit. man i love the internet.

started a lotta stuff for my book last night. i'm organizing it in a cool way.. learning the ways of being an efficient artist.. without it taking over your life. i know that's dorky but i really see myself as an artist now. everyone's an artist, i just finally like.. you know, welcomed it as a big part of who i am. i'm actually not so sure about the book idea anymore. my stories are kinda deviating from my original idea of what my book would be.. but either way, it's fun and i really enjoy it and am generally just really happy about it.

it's weird that the thought of ray having no plan for his next step makes me uncomfortable, yet it pretty much is exactly where i'm headed. i wonder how much frustration this will all cause my parents... hopefully in time i will have a better idea of what i am doing and do it in a responsible manner that doesn't upset them. i say this time and time again but i really need to start making my own money. they are way too good to me.

i'm able to admit i'm pretty narcissistic without feeling self conscious, i've finally come around in the confidence department. i feel like i have some good ideas and lots of good things to say/share. i feel like i'm really establishing myself in the cyberspace world, which is exciting. cause when i become whoever i'm going to grow into, it'll be cool to be able to trace back my creative journey through all these outlets in the public eye i'm using now. i just hope that i grow into a more honest version of me rather than out of it.

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my social life has been interesting lately. maybe i got a little burnt out from my somewhat crazy lifestyle? ying and yang. hopefully i'll flop back in the not too distant future cause i'm getting a little bored of taking it so easy every single day.

i think a lot of it has to do with maturing. and just growing out of certain habits and realizing what i believe to be more important stuff i should be focusing on. geez- it's so crazy how many thoughts i have at this time of night. this makes me want to be a writer really badly. i love this stuff. bleh. anyways.. yeah i'm sure i've said this before but i feel like i've changed soooo much from winter break.

i can't pinpoint what caused this change in me...

` fall quarter being over
` winter break being at home with the family&friend routine
` starting the new year
` 2009 baby
` being 21 and whatever significance that holds
... or maybe it was all of the above:

fall quarter was way too intense. fourth year starting?.. the idea of graduation, something you really really just don't anticipate. or at least i didn't. but it's fine, it'll all work out. my whole ray fiasco finally coming to an end.. almost like i was a clean slate.. it was the end of an era for sure, but it was nothing horrendous, and looking back i am absolutely stoked with how i handled things. i didn't go crazy on account of being single, but rather, i was ready to start MY life. i was definitely in a slump after spop ended, which was my own doing.. as much as it sucks that i lost sight of my passion for environmental issues, i deviated and came back with new direction and perspective on other issues concerning my life to add to the passion i had put on the back burner.

i got a little wrapped up, or blinded, by spop.. for a while even after it ended. mostly in my own mindset though. i didn't really know what to do with all these newfound ideas, feelings, relationships, blah blah blah. so letting go of ray really was the final push for me away from all the confusion and frustration i had been immersing myself in. so fall quarter i guess was a period of new experiences? drank a good amount, socialized a lot, had fun. moving into espirit definitely changed my life as well. of course. i always brag about my friends but the girls i fucking live with are out of this fucking world. living in a house far from campus, right off the 5.. i can't even put into words what it means to me to know that my soul doesn't belong to the irvine company anymore. a place to call HOME.

so with all these new transitions.. plus knowing that i'd be failing chem 1b for the third time and finally knowing 100% that i was done with the sciences.. i went home for winter break. nothing spectacular happened, i just had a really good time. took care of the house, not really sure what i spent my days doing, but had dinner with parents every night, went out with friends after. weekend days were dedicated the the family, went out with friends after. same group of friends every day. nice to have some that sense of home.. with friends.

pretty clear what kinda change a new year brings.. i'd been chillin off the idea of guys for a bit. i guess i can say i had picked up where i left off when i started dating ray, and by this point i had leveled back out. then i met tom. at that time i was still just going through the motions.. looking for nothing more than a little excitement and a lot of giddiness to entertain myself for a bit. was in awe over him but thought it to be like anything else.. and we ended up staying in touch. this happening definitely brought new perspective into my life. i absolutely love that you're promised by life to expect the unexpected.

my mindset for this past month is so different than any other i've experienced, but i know this just to be the nature of time ticking by and experiences being stacked. i don't know what to say other than that i've just been chillin. so many new goals and ideas for life. focus shifted from hanging at the student center and pub each day, sex on the brain, getting caught up on my equally hopeless and pointless battle with the sciences.. to not smoking during the week, doing yoga and hiking, enjoying in the art of cooking, eating da pescez, discovering the joy of completing housework, focusing on a smaller social circle and thus maintaining my fucking sanity, loving more, drinking less, appreciating more.... and from all this, enabling myself to become more introspective. which brings me to the present.

ironic that after all of this, i'm pretty sure i am presently doing everything ray had wanted me to do, back in the day, for my own benefit. i was in a bad place, and these things were definitely ideas i had fucking REFUSED to do. refusing to be happy essentially (i loveeee the word essentially).

my relationships are strong now, i think on account of me being a stronger person now. i am doing everything now that i should have done then, but just hadn't been ready to haha. and i am so happy.

ps i couldn't have done it without my friends